Change

I follow a few blogs and I'm always inspired by the author's creativity, honesty, genuineness, hilarity, and more. I'm so grateful for the ability to express- in writing, drawing, painting, singing, dancing. I am a very expressive person and feel best when I can do just that- express myself.

So, today, because I don't have a dance class anymore and can't sing for you because I'm sick (and don't really have the guts to), I'll write.

I've been thinking a lot about my life, where I've been and where I am now. I read in a talk by Jeffery R. Holland the other day that "God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are and, with His help, where you are willing to go." That's good, because I hope my today and future is better than my yesterday. Not that I have a bad past, just that I believe in progress and to me progress means to get better.

We're told not to dwell in the past, but I'm going to take a minute just to remember the past and remember why I am where I am today.

I'm so glad I had the childhood I did, I can't say it was perfect, but it seemed perfect when I was little! I have fond memories of playing in the backyard in the rain, sun, snow with my brothers and their friends. Jumping on the trampoline until we had to go inside because we couldn't hardly see each other it was so dark. I remember dressing up with my friends and my little brother and playing roles like we were big people.

Then middle school happened... most people talk about middle school like it was their first taste of hell... for some reason it wasn't like that for me. The worst thing that happened to me was that one year the new girl came and stole my boyfriend- wah wah. But really, people liked me, maybe a couple of my teachers didn't like me because I talked too much, but that wasn't as important as my classmates liking me. Things were important to me that aren't now- like being the coolest in the bunch or the one everyone wants to be like. I guess that's good, that my mindset is very different more than 10 years later. Now I'd rather find out about someone else and make a new friend, who cares what they think of me.

High school was the tough one for me. The friends I had that I thought I'd always have began to do things I didn't want to and refused to do. So, there went my "popularity". It was one of the best things that happened to me though, looking back. I started making friends in different places, Key Club, Church, home. One friend, I'll always remember, was named Paul Goldsmith-Pinkham. I was failing Advanced Physics and needed a tutor, somehow he became my tutor and for a long time we studied every day after school. I have to admit, I loved that I could make him laugh so I wasted a lot of time making jokes when we should have been studying. But I saw in him a whole world of people I never thought to make friends with. He was happy and smart and funny. The stereotypical "cool" kids maybe didn't think he was cool, but I sure did, and I think even those kids now realize how much "cooler" he was than them.

Anyway, I grew up in high school, a little bit. And thanks to friends like Paul and Linsey and my mom and dad and Billy, I survived.

Then college, wow was I in heaven! Hundreds of girls and boys excited to have fun without breaking the law! We stayed up late, ate weird things at weird times of the day, wondered why we didn't get asked out by any upperclassmen (haha, silly me), tried to study (I actually got my best grades my first term at BYU, ha), slept, didn't sleep. EmyLee and Kathy. Those two girls were sent, well, we were sent to each other. They are still my dear friends and are the reason I loved BYU and being on my own from the beginning.

My mission is such a special part of my past. I almost can't write about it and give it any justice. I'll just say that it was a year and a half of heaven. The quiet moments of peace and contentment were abundant. My conviction to be who I knew I could be was so strong. I try every day to be like I was on my mission.

And now, now I am married. Have been for 8 months. I know I'm doing what God wants me to be doing, but it doesn't mean that it's easy. I am happy with my husband but I continually (lately mostly) wish I was happier with me. I am happy when I dance/write/sing, and so I'll keep writing. I wish I could keep dancing. I know this might be too much information for some of you, but I needed to get it off my chest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and sometimes I am not good at doing that. Maybe I need to try a little less and let it come naturally. Anyway, I learned a long time ago that when I can do something to make someone else happy, I am more happy. So, along with writing, dancing, singing, I will keep embracing chances to help someone or make someone feel good about life and themselves. I have yet to master making myself feel good about myself, but I don't think I'm alone in that boat. I'll keep letting the people that love me help me with that :). That is one thing I look forward to about growing older, learning how to feel good about myself. That seems to be one of those very important things that come with wisdom and years.